"That's not appropriate behavior!"

You have no idea how many times I have used that phrase.....thousands probably over the past 6 years. This came about when my 7 year old was about a year and instead of saying "no" all the time I started saying "That is not appropriate behavior". Looking back it started innocently enough, I used it in moderation like when the kids would hit, bite, run to the street, etc. Now I see that I've been abusing it like the nag-addict that I am!

Here is what happened: I've mentioned that I'm in the middle of another parenting learning curve to try and better my relationship with my kids. Part of this learning is reading a few different books. Another part is talking to some very valuable women who's mothering I admire and can relate to. I don't have a problem asking for help, especially if it helps me be a good mother. I'm embarrassed sometimes by my behavior or lack of understanding but I'm still willing to ask the questions to get the education/understanding/behavior i need to be a good mommy. Anyway, one thing a book suggested recently which really made no sense at the time was "what if your reasoning behind a certain thought is NOT true?" I didn't really get it but the example used was something like this: My daughter is fighting getting ready and out the door every morning. Okay, I could relate to that so-My thought is "she should be able to get ready, she knows the routine, I've given her plenty of time, what is the friggen problem." When this happens in my house I'm usually nagging, bargaining, even possible yelling comes into play during these painful mornings. The parenting book says look at your thought process: okay......why "should/would" the seven year old sweetheart WANT to get ready to leave her comfy house, my company, her bed etc? She wouldn't.......!!

This morning as we're getting out the door to take my daughter to school my four year old son is off his rocker,just crazy running around, shooting, climbing etc. He runs up to me is doing all those crazy testosterone driven sounds, hopping all around and I say "Hey, that is not appropriate behavior!" (because it irritates me?) Suddenly I had an epiphany.......wait is that inappropriate? Not for a 4 year old boy it's not! Holy cow, something is sinking in through all of my reading, note taking, discussions-I've learned something new!!!! I'm fairly conscious of my behavior (not that I can always stop the bad stuff from happening) so for me this is a good thing to add to the mix, start noticing what my expectations/thoughts are about my kids, about my agitation etc.

Now I should mention that I never plan/want to be a parenting expert, I highly, highly doubt that would ever happen. I do however find that some of my "light bulbs" that go off might be helpful to someone else, or at the very least amusing. I don't know yet how to get compliance in the morning without threats which just leave us all feeling bad. I'm looking forward to continuing this learning to discover different ways to relate to my kids. Oh! I also learned the 2 biggest mistakes that parents make-did I mention this already?? Even if I did it is worth repeating 1)too much talking 2)too much emotion. So very true in my case. This saying of "that's not appropriate behavior" oh and the "WE don't do that" started in my quest to either be helpful or controlling. It's kind of funny now that I look at it "we don't hit people with the shovel" I might say to my son. We'll that's not really a true statement is it? I don't hit people with a shovel, not anymore. But a 3 or 4 year old boy with little to no impulse control well he sure as hell might just smack someone with a sand shovel! Is that good behavior? NO, but it is age appropriate. Poor kids all these years they must be so confused by all my talking at them and weird statements! I hope that I can continue to be a good mom, maybe even a better mom, one who's teenage daughter will talk to her (when we get there) and who's son doesn't pee on people's yard as a stoned teen.......! Just remembering my own glory days..sorry mom and dad!