Nothing monumental

These past few entries are just blah...no good tidbits, at least I don't see any. I'm feeling a bit muddled again as far as the parenting thing goes. I have the online course going the parenting books, the input from others but I just feel stuck. I think I can only learn a few new things then I just shut down for a bit and digest them. It takes me longer than the average person to adopt new habits, or at least that is how i feel. I just came from a really fun party that I felt honored to be a part of. Cool parents and kids from my daughters elementary school. So many of these parents get it, they get the parenting thing-they got those tools when born. I can just tell. The kids seem happy, well adjusted and the parents seem to navigate it all with ease. I mean......who knows I'm sure they make minor mistakes in parenting but I just compare myself and feel like such a novice.

I am becoming closer to some moms and I am often validated when they say that they too have hard times. A mom today was relating parenting stories and some of her teaching stories and I just thought "man she is so cool, how does she do it?" I am lucky to be building some new connections with moms like above mentioned cool mom and it makes me happy but I also feel nervous like "what happens when they see the real me, or see me make a HUGE parenting mistake?" I almost want to put up a little guard so they don't see how fallible I am but that just separates me and makes me feel more "terminally unique". My usual is to tell the truth even if it's not pretty. It's just how I feel most comfortable. It's hard for me to hide what is really going on because it makes me really, really anxious. That probably comes from suppressing all of the stuff I had to in my childhood. It doesn't make me better or worse that I usually tell the truth it's just what works for me. I do know that it really turns some people off. It's not like I"m blurting out "man your ass looks huge in those jeans" or "your kid is a total spaz". I just tell the truth about me.

Before I had kids I was really scared to be a mom. I didn't grow up dreaming of a wedding or kids. I had a semi-normal childhood but it wasn't always happy. I saw a lot of fighting in my house so marriage wasn't top of my list. I also felt many times that I was a burden to my parents so I wasn't jumping on the mommy train lightly. I'm not sure that I was actually a burden but children can interpret things the wrong way if not told otherwise. Anyway.....my husband wanted kids much sooner than I did. I was talking to an old friend once and he said "it's time for you to start popping out kids", this was about two years into marriage. I told him that I was pretty sure I'd be an awful mom because I had no patience I felt like I was literally born without it. Plus I'd been a pretty shitty big sister a lot of the time. He said something that stuck with me and gave me a little bit of hope. He said "patience isn't necessarily something you are born with, it's a skill you have to develop and work on." That was the beginning of me possibly, considering someday maybe wayyyy off having kids. There was a time about 6 years into marriage where we were both doing our own thing, working, going out, playing, exercising and I was just struck by the fact that if we had kids it would "ruin" our life. When I told my husband this he was shocked, he said "kids don't make your life smaller, they make it bigger." Uh, oh......he really wanted kids.

Back to therapy for me again...to work on the mommy issue. My therapist and i agreed that perhaps a cat was a good place for me to start as I was sure I was too selfish to love something out side of me or my husband. I'm not sure where i got this idea but I was truly afraid of not loving a child. I should probably interject here that I LOVE my family and friends dearly and I'm sure they all thought/knew I would be a good mom. I was just PETRIFIED to fail, just utterly unprepared and aware that I probably didn't have the natural tools to be a stellar mom. (Typically I don't like to do anything imperfectly-obviously an ISSUE!) After some therapy, a kitty, two years many talks with hubby we decided to try to get pregnant. After 8 years of marriage I agreed to try, to stop birth control and just see what happened. I was sure that it would take at least a year....that I had time to prepare to be a perfect mom. I should also mention that I was absolutely sure I couldn't get pregnant. I had no proof of this but I felt so bad for some of my behavior in my very early 20's that I was sure I would be punished by being barren.

We got pregnant with our daughter the first month we tried! SURPRISE! Uh, oh, this is really going to happen, I'll be some one's mommy. Now I know...... I know that the best thing someone can possibly do (if they have support, willingness and love to give) is be a mom. I have to remind myself all the time that I'm not perfect- I am so far from perfect- but I'm willing to try something new if it helps my kids. I can set my ego, pride and fear aside if it means being a better mom or wife. I have learned to apologize to the kids when I am wrong, to really look them in the eyes and say "my behavior was not ok, it was not about you and I am truly sorry."
In fact the other day, I was explaining to my 7 year old that I was taking a parenting class. "What's it for", she asks. I tell her I learn new things about how to talk and listen and what we can do to get along. She says "oh so you can learn how to do what I want and learn what you should get me?" HAHAHA, say what? I guess from her perspective that's what matters-how can she get what SHE wants. I just said "well we can talk about what I learn and see what we can do together to not fight as much." Kids.... so wonderful, complex, confusing, selfish, smart and innocent. I was a kid once and I bet my mom felt the same way about me.