I"m great at starting things....

I am, I'm a great motivated starter of many things. I get tripped up on the follow through. I have a lot of examples of this and excuses as to why I don't finish stuff. I have to admit at the end of the day it comes down to just being lazy. "No", you say......"you're not lazy"! Yep, I am. It's part of my nature to want to try to find the easy way out of any situation. I did finish stuff in HS but just kind of "half assed" as my dad would say. I remember this being a common phrase in my house, don't do it half assed (whatever "it" was)! I tried out for the drill team and made it (good memories there) but I feel like I just never excelled at it. And that horrible incident when a girl and I collided and I ended up with my ass in her face in front of the whole football game didn't help motivate me to get back out there and give 110%! I also had the tennis team, again good times. But I was last on the team JV even! I just was kind of a "oh mannnnn do I have to run to hit that ball" kind of girl. Haahaa. I had some friends that were so good on the team because they really tried and had self confidence too. See, that is another factor, I don't like to try stuff unless I know I'll be good at it. I'm not a risk taker, I tried some risky things for a bit to impress my husband (like snowboarding) but I just don't want to look stupid or work too hard!

This brings me to what started this topic today, parenting. I have tons of parenting books. They say lots of good stuff....I think...not sure because I've only finished a few of them. I get really pumped up about being a better parent, I start to read a book about how to do that, I learn a few great things and then I just fall off the wagon again. I want to stay motivated I do, but when it's 8:30pm, kids finally in bed, dishes done, clothes out for the next day, all I really want to do is watch some bad TV or check FaceBook. This is one of the things that makes me feel like I'm just shitty lazy mom. I should be able to read a whole parenting book for Christ's sake and implement what I've learned. In my defense I did take a 5 week parenting course, twice, and did all the work for that, learned a bunch too. I think part of the problem is that I want to do the RIGHT thing as far as parenting is concerned. I have so many books going now I"m not sure which one to choose. My friend said to pick one and stick to it but I"m unsure, how will I know it's the right one?? EXAMPLE: I'm listening to the kids argue right now and I am running through facts in my head......"don't intervene unless someone is bleeding", "make them work it out", "have them leave room", "I leave room", "sit down and give them the "I feel" statements". Sometimes I just freeze like a deer in the headlights....what do I do??? I think the kids smell fear too, especially my 7 year old, she's a smart one. "Ah ha!", says seven year old, "I know that look! She's confused..now is the time to whine louder, yell more, ohhh and maybe throw in some key phrases like Your not my friend or You don't love me!"

I also started knitting once, got a few scarves done and then got bored. OH and there was a boot camp, stopped 1/2 way through. I should be exercising right now but I have laundry and there are season finales to watch. A bunch of my friends from high school that are hot mamas took up running. The look great and feel great and have asked me to join in their trips and running adventures. I just can't bring myself to do it. I"m not sure what needs to happen, maybe a session of hypnosis to make me motivated. I want to run, to get back in shape, to get that adrenaline high......like Forrest Gump. In my defense there are a few things that I do follow through with and am fairly good at, like being a wife. I'm a pretty good wife, I mean I do my share of nagging and we've had our ups and downs but I think we have a good marriage. This pleases me because there have been rocky times, some of them caused by other people before we were even married. There were the doubters that called me names and said I'd be a horrible mother and wife but I think I've proved them wrong. Also the kids continue to grow and thrive and be pretty happy so I'm assuming I"m doing some good follow through as a mother even though I may not see it. Then there is AA, being sober for 16 years shows that I can show up, be honest and willing to change and grow. I have been committed to my program and do try to work it to the best of my ability (depends on how lazy I am that day). A side note here, on every single personal inventory i've written in the past 16 years Laziness is one of my biggest character defects, Ha ha go figure.

I forgot exactly why I started writing this entry because I have to keep coming back to it between kids dinners, homework, laundry etc. So it will seem scattered, like most of my blogs, and hopefully that's ok. It is for me seeing as I'm trying to embrace my imperfectness!