I"m great at starting things....

I am, I'm a great motivated starter of many things. I get tripped up on the follow through. I have a lot of examples of this and excuses as to why I don't finish stuff. I have to admit at the end of the day it comes down to just being lazy. "No", you say......"you're not lazy"! Yep, I am. It's part of my nature to want to try to find the easy way out of any situation. I did finish stuff in HS but just kind of "half assed" as my dad would say. I remember this being a common phrase in my house, don't do it half assed (whatever "it" was)! I tried out for the drill team and made it (good memories there) but I feel like I just never excelled at it. And that horrible incident when a girl and I collided and I ended up with my ass in her face in front of the whole football game didn't help motivate me to get back out there and give 110%! I also had the tennis team, again good times. But I was last on the team JV even! I just was kind of a "oh mannnnn do I have to run to hit that ball" kind of girl. Haahaa. I had some friends that were so good on the team because they really tried and had self confidence too. See, that is another factor, I don't like to try stuff unless I know I'll be good at it. I'm not a risk taker, I tried some risky things for a bit to impress my husband (like snowboarding) but I just don't want to look stupid or work too hard!

This brings me to what started this topic today, parenting. I have tons of parenting books. They say lots of good stuff....I think...not sure because I've only finished a few of them. I get really pumped up about being a better parent, I start to read a book about how to do that, I learn a few great things and then I just fall off the wagon again. I want to stay motivated I do, but when it's 8:30pm, kids finally in bed, dishes done, clothes out for the next day, all I really want to do is watch some bad TV or check FaceBook. This is one of the things that makes me feel like I'm just shitty lazy mom. I should be able to read a whole parenting book for Christ's sake and implement what I've learned. In my defense I did take a 5 week parenting course, twice, and did all the work for that, learned a bunch too. I think part of the problem is that I want to do the RIGHT thing as far as parenting is concerned. I have so many books going now I"m not sure which one to choose. My friend said to pick one and stick to it but I"m unsure, how will I know it's the right one?? EXAMPLE: I'm listening to the kids argue right now and I am running through facts in my head......"don't intervene unless someone is bleeding", "make them work it out", "have them leave room", "I leave room", "sit down and give them the "I feel" statements". Sometimes I just freeze like a deer in the headlights....what do I do??? I think the kids smell fear too, especially my 7 year old, she's a smart one. "Ah ha!", says seven year old, "I know that look! She's confused..now is the time to whine louder, yell more, ohhh and maybe throw in some key phrases like Your not my friend or You don't love me!"

I also started knitting once, got a few scarves done and then got bored. OH and there was a boot camp, stopped 1/2 way through. I should be exercising right now but I have laundry and there are season finales to watch. A bunch of my friends from high school that are hot mamas took up running. The look great and feel great and have asked me to join in their trips and running adventures. I just can't bring myself to do it. I"m not sure what needs to happen, maybe a session of hypnosis to make me motivated. I want to run, to get back in shape, to get that adrenaline high......like Forrest Gump. In my defense there are a few things that I do follow through with and am fairly good at, like being a wife. I'm a pretty good wife, I mean I do my share of nagging and we've had our ups and downs but I think we have a good marriage. This pleases me because there have been rocky times, some of them caused by other people before we were even married. There were the doubters that called me names and said I'd be a horrible mother and wife but I think I've proved them wrong. Also the kids continue to grow and thrive and be pretty happy so I'm assuming I"m doing some good follow through as a mother even though I may not see it. Then there is AA, being sober for 16 years shows that I can show up, be honest and willing to change and grow. I have been committed to my program and do try to work it to the best of my ability (depends on how lazy I am that day). A side note here, on every single personal inventory i've written in the past 16 years Laziness is one of my biggest character defects, Ha ha go figure.

I forgot exactly why I started writing this entry because I have to keep coming back to it between kids dinners, homework, laundry etc. So it will seem scattered, like most of my blogs, and hopefully that's ok. It is for me seeing as I'm trying to embrace my imperfectness!

Caution-Disclaimer

I just feel I should mention as I did before that I'll be telling my truth here. I don't want any family or friends to ever feel bad, I don't plan on mentioning anyone by name but if i say my parents everyone knows who that means. I have a great relationship with my parents now that I"m older, less selfish, have my own kids and try to be accepting. Same goes with my sister. Friends we're pretty good there too, most things are current and honest. So if you read this and feel bad, embarrassed, mad, or say "WTF" then I encourage you......not to read it. Seriously this is my deal, helps me get all the crazy out. I doubt I have followers I don't know about but just in case. If I ever wrote I book I probably wouldn't sugar coat that either. I'd be fair about my wrongs and the wrongs of others but honest. Just letting you know....honesty freaks some people waayyy the fuck out! Ta Ta til later. Bath time and dinner.

Nothing monumental

These past few entries are just blah...no good tidbits, at least I don't see any. I'm feeling a bit muddled again as far as the parenting thing goes. I have the online course going the parenting books, the input from others but I just feel stuck. I think I can only learn a few new things then I just shut down for a bit and digest them. It takes me longer than the average person to adopt new habits, or at least that is how i feel. I just came from a really fun party that I felt honored to be a part of. Cool parents and kids from my daughters elementary school. So many of these parents get it, they get the parenting thing-they got those tools when born. I can just tell. The kids seem happy, well adjusted and the parents seem to navigate it all with ease. I mean......who knows I'm sure they make minor mistakes in parenting but I just compare myself and feel like such a novice.

I am becoming closer to some moms and I am often validated when they say that they too have hard times. A mom today was relating parenting stories and some of her teaching stories and I just thought "man she is so cool, how does she do it?" I am lucky to be building some new connections with moms like above mentioned cool mom and it makes me happy but I also feel nervous like "what happens when they see the real me, or see me make a HUGE parenting mistake?" I almost want to put up a little guard so they don't see how fallible I am but that just separates me and makes me feel more "terminally unique". My usual is to tell the truth even if it's not pretty. It's just how I feel most comfortable. It's hard for me to hide what is really going on because it makes me really, really anxious. That probably comes from suppressing all of the stuff I had to in my childhood. It doesn't make me better or worse that I usually tell the truth it's just what works for me. I do know that it really turns some people off. It's not like I"m blurting out "man your ass looks huge in those jeans" or "your kid is a total spaz". I just tell the truth about me.

Before I had kids I was really scared to be a mom. I didn't grow up dreaming of a wedding or kids. I had a semi-normal childhood but it wasn't always happy. I saw a lot of fighting in my house so marriage wasn't top of my list. I also felt many times that I was a burden to my parents so I wasn't jumping on the mommy train lightly. I'm not sure that I was actually a burden but children can interpret things the wrong way if not told otherwise. Anyway.....my husband wanted kids much sooner than I did. I was talking to an old friend once and he said "it's time for you to start popping out kids", this was about two years into marriage. I told him that I was pretty sure I'd be an awful mom because I had no patience I felt like I was literally born without it. Plus I'd been a pretty shitty big sister a lot of the time. He said something that stuck with me and gave me a little bit of hope. He said "patience isn't necessarily something you are born with, it's a skill you have to develop and work on." That was the beginning of me possibly, considering someday maybe wayyyy off having kids. There was a time about 6 years into marriage where we were both doing our own thing, working, going out, playing, exercising and I was just struck by the fact that if we had kids it would "ruin" our life. When I told my husband this he was shocked, he said "kids don't make your life smaller, they make it bigger." Uh, oh......he really wanted kids.

Back to therapy for me again...to work on the mommy issue. My therapist and i agreed that perhaps a cat was a good place for me to start as I was sure I was too selfish to love something out side of me or my husband. I'm not sure where i got this idea but I was truly afraid of not loving a child. I should probably interject here that I LOVE my family and friends dearly and I'm sure they all thought/knew I would be a good mom. I was just PETRIFIED to fail, just utterly unprepared and aware that I probably didn't have the natural tools to be a stellar mom. (Typically I don't like to do anything imperfectly-obviously an ISSUE!) After some therapy, a kitty, two years many talks with hubby we decided to try to get pregnant. After 8 years of marriage I agreed to try, to stop birth control and just see what happened. I was sure that it would take at least a year....that I had time to prepare to be a perfect mom. I should also mention that I was absolutely sure I couldn't get pregnant. I had no proof of this but I felt so bad for some of my behavior in my very early 20's that I was sure I would be punished by being barren.

We got pregnant with our daughter the first month we tried! SURPRISE! Uh, oh, this is really going to happen, I'll be some one's mommy. Now I know...... I know that the best thing someone can possibly do (if they have support, willingness and love to give) is be a mom. I have to remind myself all the time that I'm not perfect- I am so far from perfect- but I'm willing to try something new if it helps my kids. I can set my ego, pride and fear aside if it means being a better mom or wife. I have learned to apologize to the kids when I am wrong, to really look them in the eyes and say "my behavior was not ok, it was not about you and I am truly sorry."
In fact the other day, I was explaining to my 7 year old that I was taking a parenting class. "What's it for", she asks. I tell her I learn new things about how to talk and listen and what we can do to get along. She says "oh so you can learn how to do what I want and learn what you should get me?" HAHAHA, say what? I guess from her perspective that's what matters-how can she get what SHE wants. I just said "well we can talk about what I learn and see what we can do together to not fight as much." Kids.... so wonderful, complex, confusing, selfish, smart and innocent. I was a kid once and I bet my mom felt the same way about me.

Good times......Good times

So let me catch you up on the tooth situation with my daughter. She went to the dentist last week to have her cavities filled which was a total adventure. Just the fact that she has cavities at all fills me with guilt and remorse because I obviously didn't take good enough care of her teeth and fed her way too much bad food (this is what my critical head says anyway). So we're at the dentist and we had decided to give my seven year old sweetie the oral drugs because she really, really hates the dentist and has even kicked a doctor before. We get there they have her drink this liquid, we're watching Toy Story. In a few minutes she is complaining she feels weird and her head hurts. I panic, tell nurse who says "yeah she is getting the effects and just isn't used to the medicine, it's ok". Soon she's soooo high that we have to help her to the dentist chair where she watches Tinkerbell and notes the "colors" of the movie. She has the nitrous and they do the proper numbing. Before she had the medicine we had the talk that the Dr. will try to wiggle her front teeth and they may come out, she reluctantly agrees. I have mixed feelings about her loosing her teeth, on the one hand no more grossing me out with the wiggling, on the other she is one step closer to leaving home.

The dentist tells me her front teeth are so loose that if she knocked them even a bit she could swallow them so I have her take them out. Easy as pie.....of course I"m sad because now there is no turning back, the growing up continues with this one event we're closer to teen hood! I know, drama, drama, drama. I'm that person who worries, analyzes, denies....I'm a "freaker" as my daughter would say. Anyway it all goes OK and she actually looks cuter than ever with her gummy smile. As we leave she has to be wheeled out though because it takes another 4 hours for the meds to wear off and she is essentially stoned. On the way home she's talking about something, stops mid sentence and says "i don't even know what I'm saying....". She says she's dizzy and I tell her we'll take a nap and she will feel better. She's chattering on and I'm trying not to laugh but she is making no sense. Part of me wanted to whip out my flip video recorder and get this moment for her teen years but then i think about that guy on YouTube that got in trouble for taping his high son. Plus it's a little sad that she feels weird.

We get to the house I carry her in and we get to bed. She keeps sitting up and saying, "I'm dizzy, i can't sleep"....then she will flop back down. 5 min later, "I'm dizzy I can't sleep".........flops back down. I tell her it will be OK and that after her nap she will feel better. I am hoping that this is a sign that when she is a teenager she will not like the feeling of being drunk or high. I can dream can't I?? When she finally falls asleep I'm petting her head and watching her beautiful face, trying not to cry because my baby is growing up, those teeth are concrete proof.

I am so dreading that day when she doesn't' want me to hug her anymore, when she doesn't want to cuddle. It literally breaks my heard to think of her being sick of me and not wanting to be around me. I know it happens because I felt that way with my parents. I can't stop it. I want to but I can't stop her from growing up and becoming her own person. I don't know how we are supposed to do it as a parent, let go and let them grow up. I just love my kids so much and want to do right by them, I want to protect them from harm, heartbreak, mean kids and disappointments. But how can I? Life is full of ups and downs each day is a combo platter and it's how we react to them. What do we do when life just isn't fair? I have had my share of sitting on the pity pot because of some seeming injustice life has served me. I have also, on occasion, been able to handle a difficult situation with grace and dignity. The latter takes help from friends, from experience, strength and hope of others. Sometimes life isn't fair, I have had some really shitty times but you know what.......I survived and my kids will too. I have to have faith that they will thrive and that I can somehow help them develop the tools to navigate this crazy thing called "life on life's terms".

"Mommy are you in here getting baked?"

My 4 year old comes into the kitchen tonight and says to me "mommy, daddy said you were in the kitchen getting baked." I laugh because it's so funny, I love when the kids say that kind of stuff. I try to record some of it in journals I have for each one (which i of course neglect). I know I have at least 1/2 the brain cells and brain power than I had before kids so if I don't write it down or now blog it then it's gone forever. I'm trying to capture all these moments that I can with them now that I see time whizzing by so fast. I also should start recording what I'd like to say to the kids when they come out with these funny saying. I always just stay straight faced and say "oh" or "hmmm". Tonight I wanted to say "dude I WISH I was in here getting baked but mommy doesn't do that anymore because she got super paranoid when she did get baked." (This is not to suggest that I ever smoked marijuana and certainly never inhaled if it happened to be in my vicinity)

I also love how my kids repeat me, usually the bad stuff I say or do comes quickly back to haunt me. I realized this when my daughter, now 7, was young. I would often say to her, trying to gain compliance, "how about WE...get dressed, get in the bath, finish our dinner etc". Clearly as stated in another blog this was not a true statement because most likely I was already dressed, never got to bathe and always ate all my food. I was trying to avoid just demanding that she do things..make them sound more appealing. She got wise to this party line eventually. One time while using this "how about we...." statement she just looked at me and in a sassy way said "how about NO!" I thought this was so funny that I just laughed out loud. I couldn't blame her, because we gave her choices she had learned to make a decision. My friends and I laughed about this "how about no" for weeks.

My son is now at an age where he says lots of cute things like "her knows hers my girlfriend" or "mommy you go ahind the couch and hide" or my favorite regarding the back seat of our car "is she going to ride in the back-front?" They are so cute i just want to eat them up and remember each cute thing they say. I was told by my daughter this week that I was bossy and always told her to do stuff. I replied that I was her mom and that was my job. I'm trying to be a good mom and not just be the kids "best buddy" that is too permissive. I swear I need an exact manual on what to do for each situation that comes up regarding parenting each day. Hell I really need a manual on life.

Toooofff DAY

Okay, so my darling diva has 4 loose front teeth on top. The front two have been loose seriously for 5 months. I thought she would loose them before my sisters wedding in December. Those things are hanging on, I mean haaannnggging, which just freaks me out. "Ewww, ewwww stop wiggling your tooth at me" is not uncommon for me to say lately. She thinks it's funny to chase me around wiggling the darn things! I know I'm the adult I'm supposed to be all supportive and keep my wig outs to myself but that's not me. I don't like spiders, have been known to scream, and loose teeth just gross me out. She's in first grade, has lost 4 which is about average, but this is by the worst loose tooth event yet. What is kind of funny is that when she was little she didn't get her first tooth till 11 months old! My friend and I were so freaked about why our kids didn't get teeth at 4 months like ALL the other babies in the world. We would say things like "we will love them even with out teeth, they can adapt and maybe we'll get implants." We would seriously sit and consider options to all this stuff we worried about. Meanwhile while worrying I was convinced from 4 months forward that any freak out my little love had was teething so I'd pop her some teething tablets. Thank god they were homeopathic because she must have eaten 5 bottles in those months! (my head tells me, hey if it hurts you better medicate it)

Now here is the thing about teeth......kids teeth-they come in so cute, stay that way until they start to loose them. I have the following fears/thoughts (I'm not the only parent who thinks these following thoughts either,so don't judge). "Holy shit my kid looks weird with no front teeth.....all gums!" and then "OMG what the hell is that, it looks like they stuck two chicklets in place of her baby teeth they are huge!" I know......it's mean, it's a fear of mine because my husband (according to pictures) and I (according to memory) had HUGE front teeth. I mean geta the saddle, and go for a ride-front teeth! I am sure there are those kids who loose their front teeth and straight ones come in and are just the appropriate size. Looking back at my picture and the ones of my husband....chances are not good that she will have appropriate size teeth.

Of course we'll love her even more and still think she is adorable but loosing those teeth represents growing up to me. I keep hoping she will loose her teeth so she stops torturing me but then I am on the edge of crying. I know, it's silly. But now she has her BABY teeth and when she gets her BIG teeth that's it. I mean those are her teeth for life for when she is a teen and a woman and that just makes me sad. I can see how quickly time is going by as I raise my two kids. Every little thing I spent so much time worrying about with the first one, hours upon hours, and everything works itself out. And time moves forward, they eventually sleep, sit up, crawl, walk, talk, pee in potty, sleep alone in bed, get into a preschool (a whole different blog), then kindergarten, riding the bike, tying shoes, first grade and here we are about to loose the front BABY teeth. What happened to my baby? She is all grown up now.....those BIG teeth are evidence you can't deny.

And I see how I've tried to cherish so many moments with my kids but have missed some in my hurry to reach a milestone, take the next step and sometimes just by not being present. One of my earliest parenting courses taught me the things I think most parents know, but I didn't. Get down on the kids level, listen to them, really listen. I still have a hard time with this but each time I take a second to listen to my kids, play with them, let them torture me with loose teeth, I grow and I hope I continue to remember to enjoy all the moments I can. We all should enjoy the moments because eventually......all those babies get BIG teeth.

P.S. By the way, if you are following my bracelet thread from before I bet I've swtiched it 20 times today! Progress not perfection is my goal.

"That's not appropriate behavior!"

You have no idea how many times I have used that phrase.....thousands probably over the past 6 years. This came about when my 7 year old was about a year and instead of saying "no" all the time I started saying "That is not appropriate behavior". Looking back it started innocently enough, I used it in moderation like when the kids would hit, bite, run to the street, etc. Now I see that I've been abusing it like the nag-addict that I am!

Here is what happened: I've mentioned that I'm in the middle of another parenting learning curve to try and better my relationship with my kids. Part of this learning is reading a few different books. Another part is talking to some very valuable women who's mothering I admire and can relate to. I don't have a problem asking for help, especially if it helps me be a good mother. I'm embarrassed sometimes by my behavior or lack of understanding but I'm still willing to ask the questions to get the education/understanding/behavior i need to be a good mommy. Anyway, one thing a book suggested recently which really made no sense at the time was "what if your reasoning behind a certain thought is NOT true?" I didn't really get it but the example used was something like this: My daughter is fighting getting ready and out the door every morning. Okay, I could relate to that so-My thought is "she should be able to get ready, she knows the routine, I've given her plenty of time, what is the friggen problem." When this happens in my house I'm usually nagging, bargaining, even possible yelling comes into play during these painful mornings. The parenting book says look at your thought process: okay......why "should/would" the seven year old sweetheart WANT to get ready to leave her comfy house, my company, her bed etc? She wouldn't.......!!

This morning as we're getting out the door to take my daughter to school my four year old son is off his rocker,just crazy running around, shooting, climbing etc. He runs up to me is doing all those crazy testosterone driven sounds, hopping all around and I say "Hey, that is not appropriate behavior!" (because it irritates me?) Suddenly I had an epiphany.......wait is that inappropriate? Not for a 4 year old boy it's not! Holy cow, something is sinking in through all of my reading, note taking, discussions-I've learned something new!!!! I'm fairly conscious of my behavior (not that I can always stop the bad stuff from happening) so for me this is a good thing to add to the mix, start noticing what my expectations/thoughts are about my kids, about my agitation etc.

Now I should mention that I never plan/want to be a parenting expert, I highly, highly doubt that would ever happen. I do however find that some of my "light bulbs" that go off might be helpful to someone else, or at the very least amusing. I don't know yet how to get compliance in the morning without threats which just leave us all feeling bad. I'm looking forward to continuing this learning to discover different ways to relate to my kids. Oh! I also learned the 2 biggest mistakes that parents make-did I mention this already?? Even if I did it is worth repeating 1)too much talking 2)too much emotion. So very true in my case. This saying of "that's not appropriate behavior" oh and the "WE don't do that" started in my quest to either be helpful or controlling. It's kind of funny now that I look at it "we don't hit people with the shovel" I might say to my son. We'll that's not really a true statement is it? I don't hit people with a shovel, not anymore. But a 3 or 4 year old boy with little to no impulse control well he sure as hell might just smack someone with a sand shovel! Is that good behavior? NO, but it is age appropriate. Poor kids all these years they must be so confused by all my talking at them and weird statements! I hope that I can continue to be a good mom, maybe even a better mom, one who's teenage daughter will talk to her (when we get there) and who's son doesn't pee on people's yard as a stoned teen.......! Just remembering my own glory days..sorry mom and dad!

I'm Barfing Books

Not books on barfing........that was 20 years ago, luckily not part of my world for at least 20. No I'm talking about my night stand. Really if you saw it you'd think a) hey, she's super smart b)the library barfed here or c)this chick belongs on the show "Hoarders". Let me just shoot out a few titles I am currently reading- "Water for Elephants", "Your Four year old: Wild and Wonderful", "Night world", "123 Magic", "Alcoholics Anonymous", "Deepak Chopra-The seven spiritual laws for parenting" and "Secret Code for Success". There are more but these are the ones I'm at least attempting to learn from, escape in or just survive with.

The "Alcoholics Anonymous" book is fairly self explanatory, I've been sober for 16 years and this "Big Book" lays out the 12 step program for me which has changed my life for the better in more ways than I can count. The book "Your Four Year old" is a small one that is attempting to help me understand what the heck is going on in that testosterone flooded body of my 4 year old boy. I just don't get the guy thing. I had a sister and a female dog and the whole rough and tumble, kill and shoot thing is like watching a strange ritual every single day. Now on to "Night World" that is just a silly teen novel about the "night world" of vampires, witches, werewolves..kinda boring. There isn't even any steamy sex in it not sure why I"m wasting my time but I find myself reading it regardless. The "Water for Elephants" book is for my book club, something I look forward to every 6 weeks or so. My book club is filled with women that I trust, admire, love and support. It's an important group to me because we inevitably end up talking about parenting, marriage, food, sex, and eventually the book. The book "1-2-3 Magic" is a parenting book and right now I'm in another period of parenting boot camp. It's such a great book, simple, concise, as usual the problem is implementing the parenting skills I'm learning. I don't lock my kids in the closet or beat them or starve them but parenting is a skill I have to work at.......it's just not natural to a control freak like me! The book called "The Secret Code of Success" states that it has 7 hidden steps to more wealth and happiness....WELL alright then. Bring it on! I have yet to get past the first page but I have no doubt that after reading it money will either start growing on my back yard trees or flying out my butt and I will be thrilled beyond belief at every moment of my life no matter what is happening!

The point of this blog is to just note all that I work on, all that many of us work on. I used to have a joke with my mom and my best friend that it took a "team" to keep me running. At a time there was the AA sponsor, the therapist, the psychologist, the friends helping out, the husband understanding, the self help books.....that was a rough time. But here I am on the other side and I'm still looking for and accepting help from many sources. I see that I actually NEED all these books next to my bed, they make me feel secure and hopeful. I do need my AA program book near me, keeping me on the straight and narrow, reminding me of what is really important. I need those books on parenting because frankly I'm baffled by parenting a lot of the time and I often hear Ozzy Ozborne's song "Crazy Train" in my head. I need the guidance and experience of others in regards to parenting. The book club well i already talked about that, I need good books to read and I need my ladies...they anchor me. Now the teen trash about vampires and such, I don't really have an excuse for that except that I'm fairly immature so I relate to these young characters. I already explained the Success book......figuring out how to either make counterfeit money or have it flying out of my ass.

If you read this thinking, "god that's a lot of books, poor soul." Well you don't know me well or my friends for that matter. In fact I would bet money that 1/2 of my friends have the same sort of night stands filled with books that make them feel safe, help them fall asleep and inspire them to be better women. Books have always been a source of comfort for me and now that I'm older I'm more inclined to "take what I like and leave the rest." I know I will never be a perfect parent or a perfect sober member of AA, perfect friend or filthy rich. I don't need to be because all in all I really do have an Amazing Imperfect Life. I'm like most stay at home moms, working moms, 40 something women you see- a beautiful work in progress. "Takes a village" they say.......well I've got one right on my nightstand thank you very much!!!

Guns and Mood swings

No,no, not at the same time! The guns come in with my 4 year old son.....he's obsessed, always has been. I mean that kid started making machine gun sounds as soon as he could move his mouth! I resisted guns for so long because I don't believe in them, my Republican NRA husband does though.....another topic later on that. The little man chewed food in the shape of shooting things and used anything he could as a weapon. I was so freaked out! I swore I wouldn't have the "kind of kid" that was into violence and general mayhem. Well....jokes on me, he loves both. We were told to maybe get him a gun to demystify it, maybe he will be less interested in it if he has one. My husband, being MacGyver, decided to make guns for the kids out of wood. Well Ian has had a field day ever since, never has stopped shooting. Gets in trouble at school for using his gun finger! Ha, wtf am i supposed to do about that? "Ian, put down your finger now, you could hurt someone with that!" We often joke that Ian will either be in our military forces or a deranged kid on the clock tower. Not funny I know but seriously he's obsessed. The sounds start as soon as he arises and don't quit till bed time.
The Mood swings come in with my 7 year old daughter (or me some days). Some times we all wake up on the wrong side of the bed, or the wrong side of our head. It was one of those moody mornings here. It started with me trying to enforce the morning rules namely do your chores first (getting dressed, eating, brushing teeth) before playing, reading etc. Well that just started the whole moody thing in her flying. The whining starts "why" or "no i won't do it" blah, blah. Instead of arguing like i usually do I tried to just calmly state (for the 1 millionth time) what we do in the am before the fun stuff. The whining continued so I tried to implement the new parenting stuff i am learning namely to try not to engage and over talk or get too emotional. "That's 1", I said. Whining complaining, defiance continue, "that's 2" I say. Now she's really getting pissed that she can't get her way. She gets to 3 and needs a time out now for 7 minutes. She refused to go of course, talking back, whining so I have to ask Hubby to carry her in the room. He's lecturing on the way which i helpfully (!) point out is off limits at this point. About 5 minutes later i go check on the moody maven and she is still pouting, so i calmly ask about what she wants for lunch and say, "come out when you are done with bed and getting dressed." At this point i want to do my usual of lecturing, explaining, maybe more blaming but I'm not supposed to so i don't.
At this point we're now running late I"m getting pissed and starting to mumble. I have this friggen bracelet on that I"m supposed to move to the other wrist each time I complain, nag, badger, shame etc. Before 9 am I've moved it 3 times! I'm so relieved to get both the kids off to school and hubby off to his business trip. Finally some time to myself (exasperated by 9am!). Luckily i have a meeting and coffee planned with a friend so I can get some sanity back, some perspective, some guidance and CAFFEINE!

Purpose

By the way, the purpose of this blog (besides purging) is to someday gather all my crazy posts and write a book. There! It's out there, I said it. I doubt my life is interesting enough for a book or that I even would know how to write one but I have a lot to say!!!

Happy Mother's day to me!

Had a good mother's day, could have used a bit more peace and quiet but it was good nonetheless. Was woken up by some great news from a family member, talked to my own mom, sent flowers to those who needed them and got a fun gift from hubby. The kids were dying for me to open my gift, a set of paddle tennis rackets! We used to play years ago before kids when we had idle time and no responsibilities to tend to. It was fun, although we did both destroy a racket or two with temper tantrums. I don't do that anymore with sports......wait......I am a couch potato, that could be why. I am trying to get into shape again after shooting out two humans. Not an easy task for someone as unmotivated as me.

Lately though I've really noticed how I've lost myself in marriage and mothering. I need to make some changes. Not that i regret either just that I have very little identity outside of being someones wife or mom. I feel like the crazies were starting to set it. Just the day to day of laundry, grocery shopping, dishes, chores, sibling fights, making beds, carting everyone around......just booooring some days. Especially because I feel like no one appreciates me. boo hoo, i know it's my job, i chose this path. I don't regret staying home I did it for many reasons that will probably come out in later posts, but it is really, really hard. I should also note that nothing showed my character defects like marriage then when I thought i had seen all of my bad sides and cleaned them up a bit........KIDS! The best thing and wow, all sorts of shit comes up. Namely I faced my worst fear, that I would be a bad mother, that I would constantly makes mistakes my parents made (some of which sent me to therapy). More guilt to deal with more fear, more frustration but more importantly more wonder, more joy, more love that I even knew I was capable of. I was so worried before kids that I wouldn't love kids (since I had NO motherly instinct) that we got a cat and I started therapy AGAIN. After we kept said cat alive for two years we decided to try and have kids. That's a whole other story but obviously it worked.
Not sure how I got on this tangent......I never really know since I talk all the time. Let's just say I"m happy to say "Happy Mother's Day" to myself. I'm a work in progress as a mother, wife, human...but at least I'm aware and more conscious than ever before.

Finally the TRUTH comes out!

I've been wanting to blog for years now. Not that I think anyone will read it, I just need to get all this shit out of my head. At this moment it's mother's day weekend my husband is mad at me, my 7 year just claimed she didn't love me anymore and the 4 year old is continuing his barrage of automatic weapon sounds that he has going since 6am. It's one of those days like most where i just feel like I can't do many things right as a mother. I"m trying to pull from all of my parenting classes each time a situation comes up (about every 2 minutes) with one of my kids. My brain is fairly slow after having two kids and I never come up with the right solution. So I"m left with my feelings and thoughts about how I handled that, "oh i should have done this or that" or "oh man i sound just like my parents and that is so wrong!"
The most recent run in with my kids and why my daughter now doesn't love me is this:

I asked the daughter 5 times to pick up her room, she kept refusing, then started lying that she did it, then used the old "no one ever helps me or loves me" routine. Keep in mind that the things on her floor are pieces to puzzles, pencils, doll head etc....things not too hard to put away. I didn't loose my cool told her "let's go see if it's all picked up now since you said it was." Standing at the door i see all the above stuff still all over floor. "I thought you said you picked it up" I asked her. "I did pick it up, I told you that" she yells. I am now starting the wheels spinning, OK-what do i do, she's already her room so a time out is useless, I've already asked several times for her to pick up.......yelling doesn't work so what to do?? "What about your shoes?" I ask as I look around at the 3 pairs strewn across the floor. "I picked up my shoes already" says the clearly demon possessed 7 year old. Now I'm going back to what a preschool director once told me, remember whatever you threaten you have to follow through with or your word means nothing. "Listen I see your frustrated but I need you to pick up your stuff and if you don't I will throw it away" I say very calmly. Is this the right approach? I have no friggen idea but I'm trying to keep my cool here and stop the 7 year old from running the show. "Fine throw it all away!" screams the 7 year old. I go to get a trash bag, start throwing books (that i later give to son), pencils, pieces of paper, headbands..all away. Now the screaming really begins "I don't love you anymore, you're not my friend! I want my stuff back now!" Amazingly this whole time I didn't' yell although I want to and i just threw the stuff out.
I'm guessing we just had another example of "how not to be a good parent" otherwise known as "welcome to imperfect parent world!"
Seriously......how the frack (to quote BSG) should I know how to handle possessed children?